sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
