my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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