you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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