not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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