I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
