I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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