I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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