Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
