he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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