My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
