I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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