Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
