Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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