so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
where are my eyebrows?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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