I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
