Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
