New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Randomize
