I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
