It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Randomize
