I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
