you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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