hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
