STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
