Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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