Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
