I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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