Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
