we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
