she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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