how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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