my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
