I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Maybe he injected his testicle?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
