You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Randomize
