So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
