I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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