so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
