You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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