I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
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