Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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