Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
