So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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