i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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