Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
