I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
