So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize