Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
