i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
