At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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