i used baking grease as lip gloss
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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