wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
