the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
