Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
