I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
