she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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