mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
even my farts smell like vagina
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
