My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
