i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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