I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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