I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
