maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
