Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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