The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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