So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
